I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
