how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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