He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
