Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
