Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
