so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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