so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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