I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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