Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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