i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
