I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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