Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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