he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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