I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
