I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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