My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
