i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
