i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Welp...herpes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
