My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
