Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
