What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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