Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
