Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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