I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
