I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
