I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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