I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
