he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
