I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
