...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
