I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
