I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
