he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
