i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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