I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
