...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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