I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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