I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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