i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
