Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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