Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
