They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
