GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
