Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
