I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
