I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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