weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
