Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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