if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
