I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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