Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
