i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
