I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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